Critique my Essay

[happycamper]

Hi All!

I'm getting ready to take the English Comp with Essay in a couple weeks, and just just began studying for it. As it seems to always be the case, the essay scares me most. I have very little formal essay training so far, and just wrote this raw essay to see how I could do as is. Could anyone critique it for me?? **All I'm really wanting is your _honest_ opinion on whether an essay like this would pass the CLEP or not.** If you could just read it, then give me your honest thought on whether this would pass, I'd really really appreciate it!! :-) That way I could get more of an idea on how much I should study essays before I take the test. Here it is!! Thanks a lot in advance!

P.S. I read from a fairly authoritative source that an essay should begin with thesis, then concession to antithesis, then thesis supporting points. Hence paragraph 2. Is this the correct form for a CLEP essay??

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[cookderosa]

Hi All!

I'm getting ready to take the English Comp with Essay in a couple weeks, and just just began studying for it. As it seems to always be the case, the essay scares me most. I have very little formal essay training so far, and just wrote this raw essay to see how I could do as is. Could anyone critique it for me?? **All I'm really wanting is your _honest_ opinion on whether an essay like this would pass the CLEP or not.** If you could just read it, then give me your honest thought on whether this would pass, I'd really really appreciate it!! :-) That way I could get more of an idea on how much I should study essays before I take the test. Here it is!! Thanks a lot in advance!

P.S. I read from a fairly authoritative source that an essay should begin with thesis, then concession to antithesis, then thesis supporting points. Hence paragraph 2. Is this the correct form for a CLEP essay??.

I have not read your essay for content yet. A few things from the start- it's way too long. You need to limit your essay to 5 paragraphs, each paragraph consisting of 5 sentences. To coordinate that with the outline you were following, you could use the 1st paragraph as your thesis, then paragraphs 2-3-4 as supporting paragraphs (individual support or collective argument, whatever seems to feel the best) and a conclusion paragraph.
**when I write 5 paragraph essays, I also follow that pattern within each paragraph: opening, 2-3-4 supporting, closing. It lacks creativity but the outline is flawless and keeps you on point. My only content critique is that your position takes too long to make. Being concise is as skill too, and readers will be looking at your ability to make your point right away. Asking questions within your own writing can take your direction off into another direction, which is great if you're writing a chapter; difficult in an essay.

Also, you'll have only 45 minutes- no word processor function, so allow a few minutes at the end to proof and do your best to hit the proper mechanics. You'll want to use caps, periods, commas, and proper spelling. Write the whole thing in one tense- either present or past depending on what feels right for the subject. Nail those, and you'll do great. Remember, you won't be able to spell check words like effervescent and metastasizes (maybe you wouldn't need to, but I would lol!!). I'd be suprised if your sample essay was started at the prompt, written, and edited within 45 minutes. An essay like yours might have taken me a few hours. (but maybe you are a fast writer) So, you should practice doing a timed essay, because timing is everything. At the moment your time is up, the computer locks.

Oh, and for content, it won't be what you say- only that you say it with good form. Lastly, good for you putting your essay out there, that's very brave.

[happycamper]

Thank you Jennifer, that was extremely helpful! I really appreciate the information. I have a couple questions.

First, you said that the paragraph should be 5 paragraphs long, with each paragraph consisting of 5 sentences. Wow you're kidding! That's a _very_ short essay! But... that's fabulous because it's obviously easier than a longer essay.

So my question: would one actually be penalized for writing a longer essay? Or are you saying that 5 paragraph/5 sentence is minimum? Would they like a longer essay?? Or would that only hurt my score? I do write fast, if I'm writing on something I can find any inspiration in!

Everything else you said was exceptionally helpful and I really thank you for it!

Robert

[JBjunior]

Thank you Jennifer, that was extremely helpful! I really appreciate the information. I have a couple questions.

First, you said that the paragraph should be 5 paragraphs long, with each paragraph consisting of 5 sentences. Wow you're kidding! That's a _very_ short essay! But... that's fabulous because it's obviously easier than a longer essay.

So my question: would one actually be penalized for writing a longer essay? Or are you saying that 5 paragraph/5 sentence is minimum? Would they like a longer essay?? Or would that only hurt my score? I do write fast, if I'm writing on something I can find any inspiration in!

Everything else you said was exceptionally helpful and I really thank you for it!

Robert

That is the standard format essay that you should have been taught in grade school and is used for almost everything. Anyway, as Cook said the structure and other things are more important than the substance. I honestly didn't know what my topic was talking about (something specific about marketing and responses) and just made sure to structure my essay properly and passed.

[cookderosa]

Thank you Jennifer, that was extremely helpful! I really appreciate the information. I have a couple questions.

First, you said that the paragraph should be 5 paragraphs long, with each paragraph consisting of 5 sentences. Wow you're kidding! That's a _very_ short essay! But... that's fabulous because it's obviously easier than a longer essay.

So my question: would one actually be penalized for writing a longer essay? Or are you saying that 5 paragraph/5 sentence is minimum? Would they like a longer essay?? Or would that only hurt my score? I do write fast, if I'm writing on something I can find any inspiration in!

Everything else you said was exceptionally helpful and I really thank you for it!

Robert

>>


Keep in mind the purpose of the test- to see if you can do what they do in the English 101/102 classroom. In an intro class, the 5 paragraph essay is the gold standard. It's taught as THE foundational essay- the one everyone must learn. So, since your graders are going to be a few English 101 teachers, you'll be speaking to them in their own language. I like to play it clean, so I'd stay very focused and technically correct. You can be interesting without boring, but I'd stay vanilla.
For what it's worth, I follow my own advice. My essay was very vanilla, very technically correct and clean. I wasn't writing a masterpiece, just demonstrating competency. I'm a terrible speller, but I know my essay was scored well because I didn't do very well in the M/C section, and it's 50% of the grade. I think this was my best test, I can't remember my score but it was high 60's.

[happycamper]

Thanks guys for the info, it was all very helpful.

One more question: I haven't yet been able to find what the 3 'body' paragraphs should be introduced with. In other words, are they looking for, "First of all..." "Secondly..." "Thirdly..." ??? Is that what they're wanting, or is more creative better??
Thanks again!

[cookderosa]

Thanks guys for the info, it was all very helpful.

One more question: I haven't yet been able to find what the 3 'body' paragraphs should be introduced with. In other words, are they looking for, "First of all..." "Secondly..." "Thirdly..." ??? Is that what they're wanting, or is more creative better??
Thanks again!

>>

I think that might be where you could be creative. In my case, I believe I used 3 examples or points to answer the question. (keep your life easy, make yourself find exactly 3 reasons/points/arguments/etc so it's a neat fit). I wouldn't expect you should feel locked into 1st, 2nd, 3rd. You can do that though, since it helps keep things easy. You can also use words to indicate gradients of strength in your opionion. "My primary....." "An additional......" "Lastly,....."
Then, depending on the question, there might simply be three answers that are not in any specific order or rank: red, yellow, blue.

I believe my prompt was something like "While climbing the ladder to success, one is sure to get some splinters. Agree or disagree, discuss." I believe I came up with 3 examples of challenges and the splinter types that supported the position that agreed with that statement. One example I gave was interpersonal relationships in the workplace as one is promoted may lead to jealousy or resentment. (the feeling was the splinter). I can't recall the others, but you could argue a million things- financial, geographic, misc relational, failures or setbacks, etc etc etc.

Let's try one for practice. Pick a prompt and let's give it a go.

[CLEP101]

Thank you Jennifer, that was extremely helpful! I really appreciate the information. I have a couple questions.

First, you said that the paragraph should be 5 paragraphs long, with each paragraph consisting of 5 sentences. Wow you're kidding! That's a _very_ short essay! But... that's fabulous because it's obviously easier than a longer essay.

So my question: would one actually be penalized for writing a longer essay? Or are you saying that 5 paragraph/5 sentence is minimum? Would they like a longer essay?? Or would that only hurt my score? I do write fast, if I'm writing on something I can find any inspiration in!

Everything else you said was exceptionally helpful and I really thank you for it!

Robert

Robert,
If you do it as Jennifer said you will pass. I did it exactly like she said, give or take a sentence or two per paragraph, and I ended up passing. I only scored a 50 but I think it was because I ran out of time on the first part of the test with still a few questions to answer. Good luck on the test when you do take it.

[Maniac Craniac]

Well, I'm not sure how brutal you want my honesty to be, so I apologize beforehand if it seems a little forward. You definitely have the ability to write a good essay, but there is quite a bit of polishing that needs to be done to your sample essay.

There needs to be a clear ultimate goal to what you are writting, and I just don't see it. It looks like you are working on a persuasive essay, but it feels like the only thing you are trying to persuade me of is how great your vocabulary is. If it doesn't work on me, it certainly won't work on a college professor. In fact, most sentences in your essay feel like nothing more than excuses to enact a virulent spectrum of quasiloquacious circumlocution upon one who is incognizant of nebulous quintessential obfuscation through obtuse tautology and antilaymanism, ad nauseum. A good essay isn't just a scholarly well-researched work, nor is it dependent upon an epic use of diction and literary forms, but is something that someone is actually going to WANT to read.

As for writing a longer vs. shorter essay, the first thing I noticed was that many of your sentences are redundant. Note how your first two sentences are saying the exact same thing, but adding more "big words" to the process. Its a pattern I see throughout the entire essay.

A friend of mine gave me this great advice regarding my public speaking: A talk that sounds simple requires much effort. A talk that sounds complicated requires little effort.

I think this advice goes well for your writing. First, figure out what you want to say and then clearly, and rationally, lay out both what your saying and why you are saying it.

Keep up the hard work, and I wish you the best!

[cookderosa]

virulent spectrum of quasiloquacious circumlocution>>


<cough cough> I need to look that up.


P.S. I should have read ahead, I need to look up "incognizant of nebulous quintessential obfuscation through obtuse tautology and antilaymanism, ad nauseum" too.