Critique my Essay

[Maniac Craniac]

virulent spectrum of quasiloquacious circumlocution>>


<cough cough> I need to look that up.


P.S. I should have read ahead, I need to look up "incognizant of nebulous quintessential obfuscation through obtuse tautology and antilaymanism, ad nauseum" too.

LOL, hopefully the OP sees my point.

[Lindagerr]

Your essay reminded me of a popular saying from my younger days. It went something like:

If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.

You use to many big words and unusual sentence structures. I do not teach english and it is far from my strong point, but if I read an essay like yours in any class my first thought would be they have nothing worth saying so they are trying to say nothing with as many words as possible.

I have a friend who teaches basic english comp classes in CC. He gave me a copy of a writing outline he gives all his students. In brief it says 5 Paragraphs

1: Ideas, intro, set-up, lead in
2: Body 1, evidence/proof
3: Body 2 stronger evidence/proof
4: Body 3 strongest evidence/proof
5: Conclusion, final words.


I hope this helps. You are brave and smart to ask here.

Now I have a prompt for you that I gave my computer students today.

What is your opinion on computer ethics concerning the buying and selling of a companies domain name? (I had a longer prompt this is the short version)

[Maniac Craniac]

If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.

Uh, right, but I already said that:

...excuses to enact a virulent spectrum of quasiloquacious circumlocution upon one who is incognizant of nebulous quintessential obfuscation through obtuse tautology and antilaymanism, ad nauseum.

[Lindagerr]

And your saying of it was so much elagant But I prefer short and not requireing spell check.

[happycamper]

A big thanks to everyone for their feedback. It was all extremely helpful, and not a little amusing! hilarious
Thanks bb for your PM; it was much appreciated!

OK I'm attaching another essay I wrote to the prompt: 'Drilling in the Gulf; is it worth the risk?' Yes or No.

I seriously tried to reduce wordiness (sorry, vocab is a hobby of mine), and be brief and succinct. And yes, only allowed a strict 45 minutes.

I've never enjoyed essays. Tell me what you think. What score would Clep give this essay (what, the scale is like 1-8 right?) Thanks in advance!


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[JBjunior]

Your first paragraph was very flowery and maybe a little over the top. Your supporting paragraphs were lacking substance and structure to me. Try taking a few flowery words out of the first paragraph and adding a little more substance to your supporting ones. Also, maybe you are concentrating a little too heavily on punctuation. I try to make sentences flow as effortlessly as possible with as few commas and semicolons as possible. Remember, this is a freshman college course test not a masters level english major.

[cookderosa]

Your first paragraph was very flowery and maybe a little over the top. Your supporting paragraphs were lacking substance and structure to me. Try taking a few flowery words out of the first paragraph and adding a little more substance to your supporting ones. Also, maybe you are concentrating a little too heavily on punctuation. I try to make sentences flow as effortlessly as possible with as few commas and semicolons as possible. Remember, this is a freshman college course test not a masters level English major.

+1
To me, it's as if the writer of the first paragraph didn't write the rest of the essay. I'm going to make a summary outline based on your essay. See what you think.

I. Ocean is inspiring
A. Ocean, in literature, is art
B. Pollution is risky/foolish business

II. Environmental impact
A. Ships damage structure
B. Oil spills greatest risk

III. Moral impact
A. Tide contaminates beaches
B. What would vacationers think?

IV. Ocean industry
A. Food supply in jeopardy
B. Ethics of unemployment

V. Conclusion/summary
A. Ocean drilling most disasters
B. Legal/regulation/reform
C. Redirect funds


Ok- so, when you look at the outline through someone else's eyes, what do you see? I'm not going to ramble about what I see. But, in short, I see missed opportunity to focus your opening paragraph, excellent use of 3 key points, but supporting sentences not quite as supportive as they could be. (try not to introduce new information in any paragraph after the thesis- I don't like IV B where you added in the ethics question, it seemed off)
What if you tried to write paragraphs 2,3,4 first? And use the opening sentence of each to construct your first paragraph? I don't mean identical phrasing, but tight consistency in purpose and point. So, it might look like this in form and structure.

I.
1,2,3,4,5

II.
2, 2b,2c,2d, 2e

III.
3, 3b, 3c, 3d, 3e

IV.
4, 4b, 4c, 4d, 4e

V.
1, 2e, 3e, 4e, 5


I also like to use your first sentence of paragraph 5 as your thesis. I thought that was a great sentence. Also, you should add an absolute statement about your position. My opening sentence based on what you wrote would be
"It is my opinion that ocean drilling has afforded more environmental, socio, and industrial disasters than almost any other commercial operation."
Then, I'd say why. Keep it directly relevant, since this isn't a research paper you can't prove anything, so don't argue a point that you can't prove. Notice how removing the words "it is my opinion" from the opening sentence would lead the reader asking- really? How? In what way? What facts support that? So, but adding in "it is my opinion" you can use your own views as support.

[Maniac Craniac]

First things first, this is a HUGE improvement! Your viewpoint was a lot more clear and your wording more melifluous than superfluous .

I concurr with the posts above, and will add these two points:

1) This is a persuasive essay, I presume? From the introduction, I can't tell exactly who you are trying to persuade to what point of view. Sure, the point of your essay is clear: off-shore drilling is BAD! However, what is your objective? To change my mind? Win my vote? A call to action?

2) The conclusion would be better if you tied it in with the introduction better. I would lose the hackneyed "happier, healthier" and bring the essay full circle by saying something else about the poetic/artistic nature of the sea again, but not with as much elaboration.

[happycamper]

Hi Crew!

First, another tremendous thanks for your extremely helpful insights and tips. I'm surprised by your essay-genius, and thankful for your willingness to help those of us, less-in-the-know. Everything makes absolute sense and is extremely helpful; Thank You So Much!

And Jennifer, your epic posts are so appreciated. The summary outline was great - I was able to see my essay in a totally different light - completely eye-opening.

"What if you tried to write paragraphs 2,3,4 first? And use the opening sentence of each to construct your first paragraph? I don't mean identical phrasing, but tight consistency in purpose and point. So, it might look like this in form and structure."

A brilliant idea! You should teach at Yale! I love it!

I'll try it and we'll see how it turns out. In the mean time, I did a little experiment...

In an effort to be more focused and organized I tried writing an essay with a common thread running throughout. Could you just let me know what the Clep Essay analyzers would think of this? Is it acceptable? Better? Worse?

I'll be taking the Clep in four days... so this is the home run and I really appreciate all the help you've been.

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