critique my essay please

[mattg707]

I am a very poor writer and need some tips on an clep essay exam. I wrote this in 30 minutes, it came from the petersons exam. I was hoping someone with a solid english background could give me some pointers. Thanks

Topic: Colleges need to have a mandatory core curriculum, required classes that all students must take, regardless of their major.


Having mandatory classes for college curriculums only creates more problems for already overwhelmed students. If you have more classes to take the more expensive it will be to graduate. Not only will graduating be more expensive, it will also take much longer. While taking non-essential classes you will also be neglecting the focus of your major, leaving you less prepared for the career of your choice.

Doing your job in a skillful manner is essential to being competitive in the workforce. Subjects like English, speech, and humanities are almost worthless to someone pursuing a degree in industry. The time wasted taking these classes would be better spent learning about the industry of his or her choice. More time in related classes will lead to better trained and more qualified workers.

A major issue with going to college is the financial burden it places on the students. Taking extra, unnecessary, classes just makes things worse. With tuition growing every semester it is becoming harder and harder to afford the necessary classes, let alone the extra mandatory ones.

Students have enough on their plate without these extra classes. Never will a machinist be asked to give a speech or write a paper. These classes are wastes of time and energy, better spent learning the desired trade.

[ryoder]

I am not going to post what I was going to post due to it being negative.

[ladyofshalott]

mattg707, I've chopped up your essay and thrown in my two cents. My notes are within each parentheses with the my own wording in quotations. At the end is the clean copy from the breakdown. Hope this helps.

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Topic: Colleges need to have a mandatory core curriculum, required classes that all students must take, regardless of their major.

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Having mandatory classes for college curriculums only creates more problems for already overwhelmed students.

(Fair intro. You've clearly stated that you disagree with the statement, though it didn't catch my attention; try giving it a good hook)

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(You need another sentence here to finish off your primary statement, as well as to smooth your transition to your three arguments of why you think it's a bad idea, try something like: "Therefore, a mandatory core curriculum should not be required of students.")

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If you have more classes to take the more expensive it will be to graduate. Not only will graduating be more expensive, it will also take much longer. While taking non-essential classes you will also be neglecting the focus of your major, leaving you less prepared for the career of your choice.

(Try to connect these sentences into your core, convincing argument: "The more non-essential classes a student is required to take, the less prepared he will be for his career choice, the longer it will take to complete his degree and the more expensive it becomes for him to graduate.")

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Doing your job in a skillful manner is essential to being competitive in the workforce.

(Try starting this next paragraph with "First of all," which pulls from the first of your three initial arguments. Make sure you base your wording on your arguments. Try: "First of all, by spending unnecessary time and effort on these unneeded classes, the student will be quite unprepared for the career path before him.”)
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Subjects like English, speech, and humanities are almost worthless to someone pursuing a degree in industry. The time wasted taking these classes would be better spent learning about the industry of his or her choice.

(Good job on adding an example! But again, smooth out your wording-wrinkles: “For a student pursuing a degree in Industry, for example, to be required to take needless subjects in English, Speech and Humanities is clearly a waste of his education, when he could be learning the essentials needed for his future in Industry.”)

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More time in related classes will lead to better trained and more qualified workers.

(Great wrap-up of your first argument, let’s just keep it in the singular: “More time spent in related classes will lead to a better trained and more qualified worker.”)

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A major issue with going to college is the financial burden it places on the students. Taking extra, unnecessary, classes just makes things worse.

(Be sure your terminology fits neatly together: “Likewise, the financial burden already placed on the student becomes a much heavier weight to bear, due to the extra, unnecessary requirements laid upon him.”)

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With tuition growing every semester it is becoming harder and harder to afford the necessary classes, let alone the extra mandatory ones.

(Don’t use personal experiences on the essay. Stay consistent with your tenses throughout, but good job on wrapping it up: “By having to take additional, unrelated classes on top of those which are necessary for his major, a student becomes quite overwhelmed with the rising cost of tuition.”)

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(Oops! You forgot your last argument: “Furthermore, as said so many times before, “Time is money.” To require a student to fulfill these extra, mandatory classes means countless additional hours of unnecessary study which could be better used in furthering his knowledge and skills for his projected career.”)

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Students have enough on their plate without these extra classes.

(Be sure to have a good opening with each paragraph and elaborate on it: “In conclusion, these unnecessary classes are a waste of a student’s skills, money and time, which should be spent in learning his desired trade. A student has enough on his plate without having to also take these extra classes.”)

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Never will a machinist be asked to give a speech or write a paper.

(You don’t need this little detour! Scratch it out)

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These classes are wastes of time and energy, better spent learning the desired trade.

(Good strong finish. Just add, “Therefore” and refer back to the opening statement: “Therefore, a mandatory core curriculum should not be required.”)

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In the end, then, here is what your essay would look like:

Having mandatory classes for college curriculums only creates more problems for already overwhelmed students. Therefore, a mandatory core curriculum should not be required of students. The more non-essential classes a student is required to take, the less prepared he will be for his career choice, the more expensive it becomes for him to graduate and the longer it will take to complete his degree.

First of all, by spending unnecessary time and effort on these unneeded classes, the student will be quite unprepared for the career path before him. For a student pursuing a degree in Industry, for example, to be required to take needless subjects in English, Speech and Humanities is clearly a waste of his education, when he could be learning the essentials needed for his future in Industry. More time spent in related classes will lead to a better trained and more qualified worker.

Likewise, the financial burden already placed on the student becomes a much heavier weight to bear, due to the extra, unnecessary requirements. By having to take additional, unrelated classes on top of those which are necessary for his major, a student becomes quite overwhelmed with the rising cost of tuition.

Furthermore, as said so many times before, “Time is money.” To require a student to fulfill these extra, mandatory classes means countless additional hours of unnecessary study which could be better used in furthering his knowledge and skills for his projected career.

In conclusion, these unnecessary classes are a waste of a student’s skills, money and time, which should be spent in learning his desired trade. A student has enough on his plate without having to also take these extra classes. Therefore, a mandatory core curriculum should not be required.

[Maniac Craniac]

Yes, I know, I don't actually exist in this forum anymore, but I was alarmed by what I read of your essay and needed to point something VERY IMPORTANT out.

I am not going to critique your essay structure nor the strength of the arguments that you present. The point I want to make is, whether or not you are a skillful writer or are adept at the art of persuasion, your essay is completely useless unless you are arguing for or against the actual topic that is presented, not turning it into something else entirely. Let me show you what I mean.

Topic: Colleges need to have a mandatory core curriculum, required classes that all students must take, regardless of their major.

Having mandatory classes for college curriculums only creates more problems for already overwhelmed students. If you have more classes to take the more expensive it will be to graduate.

LISTEN, PLEASE!!!! The topic said nothing at all about requiring more classes overall, only that certain classes should be a mandatory part of the curriculum. This means that expense is not an issue, since it would be the same, and workload is only an issue if you can demonstrate that the mandatory classes require a larger workload than the average class. Then you would have to demonstrate that that was necessarily a bad thing.

Not only will graduating be more expensive, it will also take much longer.

Given what I said above, it should not take longer at all, and to say that it would take "much" longer is conjecture, especially since, if, hypothetically, the scenario was suggesting that students take more classes, it doesn't specify how many more.

While taking non-essential classes

The whole point of the topic is whether or not the classes are essential. Saying something like this begs the question (Basically, when you try to prove that something is true while, within your argument, using language that already assumes that it is true). You also write from the viewpoint that the topic is suggesting a change in current practices, when in fact, it is not.

Now lets see what arguments you are making that can be used in this essay.

Doing your job in a skillful manner is essential to being competitive in the workforce.

This is an argument, but not one that stays on topic. It is, however a good premise to what your main argument could and should be if this is the direction that you are going: that the purpose of going to college is to train for a career and that a mandatory curriculum is a distraction from training for that career. That could actually make for a very interesting read, even if the rater highly disagrees with you.

Subjects like English, speech, and humanities are almost worthless to someone pursuing a degree in industry. The time wasted taking these classes would be better spent learning about the industry of his or her choice. More time in related classes will lead to better trained and more qualified workers.

Again, you are begging the question. Saying that something is worthless doesn't make it worthless, you have to explain how and why it is worthless, then it supports the argument that you made above.

Hopefully I have done more to help than to confuse. PM me if you want to talk about this more. You may not know me... but a few months ago I said I would never post here again and I broke that declaration, so now I must shamefully return to my state of recluse... :leaving:

[mattg707]

thanks for the replys guys! i am a very poor writer and i know this. i am just trying to finish my degree in machine tool without having to go an extra semester.

[andy3000]

Your essay is very repetitive, you could cut out half the words and be OK. You really don't make a persuasive argument.

Also consider your audience, a college professor, the last thing she wants to hear is her classes are a waste of time; you would probably lose at least a letter grade right there.

[mattg707]

you make a good point andy. dont want to piss off who ever grades my paper lol.