Read my essay

[gufomel]

I'm taking the Freshman English Composition with essay in a few days so Im trying to practice with some essay prompts. I'm not a strong writer at all, and I failed the essay portion last time I took the test. So please don't just comment that it's good or ok. The last thing I need right now is encouragement - I need to know what I'm doing wrong. First of all, I find that I can only write 4 paragraphs (Intro, 2 body, Conclusion) in 45 minutes. Partly because I write somewhat slow, but mainly because I just can't think of stuff that quick. Im not sure if how big of an issue that is, so if anyone knows, please let me know. This is anonymous, so I don't care if you tear me apart , just as long as you let me know what I need to work on.

The prompt is: "The United States government has become so corrupt that people who vote in national elections are wasting their time. Agree or Disagree."

"Calling voting in national elections a waste of time because the United States government is too corrupt is not a valid argument. Our country is founded on the saying "we the people of the United States." By not voting, we take the power of government out of the hands of the many and place it in the hands of the few. While the United States government certainly has flaws, providing it with even more power would lead our country down a dangerous path.

Freedom of speech is one of the greatest blessings we have in this country. We can voice our opinions in numerous ways, including popular methods such as forming interest groups or leading protests. However, our unique right and one that is not provided to many people throughout the world is the right to elect who leads our country. Not only do we get to vote, but we can have confidence that our vote is counted. As a result, those who are running for office must be attentive to the wants and needs of our nation. A protest can be ignored, but the threat of not being elected because of stances on issues is what keeps our elected officials in line.

Furthermore, by not voting, we take power away from the many and place it in the hands of the few. It is said that "power corrupts, but absolute power corrupts absolutely". The meaning of this statement is simple, and was key to the Founding Father's reason for developing a representative democracy. The fewer the people that have a say in government policies, the more corrupt government becomes. This is because that elect group is not supplied with sufficient differing opinions on issues. They rely solely on their own beliefs, rather than those of the people thath their decision will affect.

We as citizens of the United States cannot fall into the trap of believing that our government is too corrupt for our vote to make a difference. Apathy towards voting can only make matters worse. It is our duty and right to voice our opinion on public policy by taking part in national elections. If we do not, we lose our control over the actions of government and give it even more power to make corrupt decisions."

[barcotta]

I'm sending you a private message. Click on "Private Messages" in the upper-right corner of this page to read. Hope it helps.

[cinderly]

Hi, gufomel!

First, I'd like to commend you for bravely putting your writing out for critique. I've found that a lot of writers have tender, sensitive feelings about their work. (I worked as a technical editor for 10 years ...)

Next, I'd encourage you to, on a scratch piece of paper, outline your essay. This is a quick process - thesis (P1), major supporting points (P2-4), conclusion. Use bullets - you're aiming for structure, not substance. Get used to doing this - practice will make this an automatic thing to do.

Beyond that, keep practicing. Here's specific feedback on your essay.

Calling voting in national elections a waste of time because the United States government is too corrupt is not a valid argument. Our country is founded on the saying "we the people of the United States." By not voting, we take the power of government out of the hands of the many and place it in the hands of the few. While the United States government certainly has flaws, providing it with even more power would lead our country down a dangerous path.

For a timed essay, seriously consider making your thesis a three-point statement. In this case, something like "By not voting, we surrender our freedom of speech, provide the United States government with additional power, and run counter to the founding ideal of government by the people."

You can use each of these prongs as the foundation of your subsequent paragraphs, then restate them for your conclusion.

Freedom of speech is one of the greatest blessings we have in this country. We can voice our opinions in numerous ways, including popular methods such as forming interest groups or leading protests. However, our unique right and one that is not provided to many people throughout the world is the right to elect who leads our country. Not only do we get to vote, but we can have confidence that our vote is counted. As a result, those who are running for office must be attentive to the wants and needs of our nation. A protest can be ignored, but the threat of not being elected because of stances on issues is what keeps our elected officials in line.

You show good thinking here, but I don't think you've ever made it clear that voting is a form of speech. (Unless that's not your intention.) I'd lead with that idea. Otherwise, the writing is clear and technically correct. (No grammatical weirdness in my quick scan.)

Furthermore, by not voting, we take power away from the many and place it in the hands of the few. It is said that "power corrupts, but absolute power corrupts absolutely". The meaning of this statement is simple, and was key to the Founding Father's reason for developing a representative democracy. The fewer the people that have a say in government policies, the more corrupt government becomes. This is because that elect group is not supplied with sufficient differing opinions on issues. They rely solely on their own beliefs, rather than those of the people thath their decision will affect.

This seems to be arguing two ideas: (1) not voting gives incumbents too much power and (2) voting upholds the foundations of American representative democracy. Both arguments further your ideas, but would be better as separate paragraphs.

We as citizens of the United States cannot fall into the trap of believing that our government is too corrupt for our vote to make a difference. Apathy towards voting can only make matters worse. It is our duty and right to voice our opinion on public policy by taking part in national elections. If we do not, we lose our control over the actions of government and give it even more power to make corrupt decisions."

Starts out strong, but "Apathy towards voting can only make matters worse" wants a colon or restatement to more clearly tie that sentiment to the rest of the conclusion.

Finally, you haven't shown that the government makes corrupt decisions, so I'd be wary of affirming that as your final sentence. (Showing that government is corrupt could be a supporting paragraph, but that might lead you away from the tightly-organized essay you already have going.)

Plusses: Tight organization; no evidence of tangents or diatribes; mechanically sound writing

Minuses: not a five-paragraph essay; thesis doesn't beat me over the head and say, "I am the thesis, lady!"

[studyhard]

I think the other folks have provided some good overall-impression comments. Here's some more specifics for you.

The prompt is: "The United States government has become so corrupt that people who vote in national elections are wasting their time. Agree or Disagree."

"Calling voting in national elections a waste of time because the United States government is too corrupt is not a valid argument.

I'd suggest that you write your topic sentence as if the audience didn't know the prompt. This sentence implies that the reader knows the prompt and simply jumps right into the argument. This makes it look like a "writing assignment" not a stand-alone essay, if you know what I mean. You would be better off to rephrase the prompt as your topic sentence. Maybe make it a question and draw people in....something like:

Does voting make a difference? Some people say that the United States government is so corrupt that votors in national elections are wasting their time. Are they right?

Our country is founded on the saying "we the people of the United States."

If you are going to put a large section in quotes (the "we the people" section), you usually need a comma before it (after the word "saying").

By not voting, we take the power of government out of the hands of the many and place it in the hands of the few. While the United States government certainly has flaws, providing it with even more power would lead our country down a dangerous path.

It's not exactly clear when you say "putting it in the hands of the few" if you mean the few people who will vote, or the few people in government. Because, after all, there will always be a FEW people who vote.

Freedom of speech is one of the greatest blessings we have in this country. We can voice our opinions in numerous ways, including popular methods such as forming interest groups or leading protests. However, our unique right and one that is not provided to many people throughout the world is the right to elect who leads our country.

Your transition between the freedom of speech and voting could be stronger. I think you are trying to say that voting is the strongest way we make our voices heard, but you need to come out and actually say that. You refer to it as a "unique" right, but I think you're trying to say, "most important" right? Always think about making transitions clear. Step back and pretend you are an ignorant persn thinking about the matter for the first time. Are you making the connection clear enough for them?

Also, the sentence beginning with "However, our unique right..." is a run-on sentence. You should set apart the clause in the middle, like this:

However, our unique right--and one that is not provided to many people throughout the world--is the right to elect who leads our country.

Not only do we get to vote, but we can have confidence that our vote is counted. As a result, those who are running for office must be attentive to the wants and needs of our nation. A protest can be ignored, but the threat of not being elected because of stances on issues is what keeps our elected officials in line.

Excellent paragraph. Succinct and persuasive.

Furthermore, by not voting, we take power away from the many and place it in the hands of the few.

You already said that. Never repeat exact verbiage. You can restate the concept but do it in a very different way.

It is said that "power corrupts, but absolute power corrupts absolutely".

Periods should ALWAYS go inside the quotation marks.

The meaning of this statement is simple, and was key to the Founding Father's reason for developing a representative democracy.

Your apostrophe on "Father's" is in the wrong places. Founding Fathers is plural......there were many of them. So the apostrophe should go after the "s"--as in, "Founding Fathers' reason."

The fewer the people that have a say in government policies, the more corrupt government becomes. This is because that elect group is not supplied with sufficient differing opinions on issues. They rely solely on their own beliefs, rather than those of the people thath their decision will affect.

This isn't the strongest argument you could make. Being supplied with lots of differing opinions does not automatically mean a government is less corrupt. Corruption can be rampant in the midst of a myriad of opinions. Corruption is much more tied to unchecked opportunities for personal gain. That is why voting is important--it's a major accountability factor.

Always stop and assess your facts critically. Try to think of real-life examples that could disprove your point and test its validity. We have a ton of different opinions floating around our government today and it's still pretty corrupt, either because of the lack of accountability in many areas or the apathy of the people in enforcing the accountability.

We as citizens of the United States cannot fall into the trap of believing that our government is too corrupt for our vote to make a difference. Apathy towards voting can only make matters worse. It is our duty and right to voice our opinion on public policy by taking part in national elections. If we do not, we lose our control over the actions of government and give it even more power to make corrupt decisions."

Nice closing paragraph.

Good luck!

[gufomel]

Wow guys, I was not expecting anything nearly in-depth as that. Thanks so much!

See, my main problem is that I am just not a speed writer one bit. I'm the kind of person that writes 10 rough drafts on 10 separate days before I turn in a paper. I really have difficulty brain storming my ideas, making an outline, writing the draft, and editing, all in 45 minutes. Any tips on what could help me do better on this, besides of course a lot of practicing? I noticed one of you said structure is very important. Would it be safe to say that having a clearly defined thesis, 3 organized paragraphs (or possibly 2 since I often can't finish 3 in 45 minutes) with no grammatical/spelling errors, and a brief conclusion would give me a passing grade, even if my content isn't especially good (assuming I stay on topic of course)?

[gufomel]

I've revised my essay using some of your comments. Of course this defeats the purpose of writing an essay in 45 minutes, but at least it will give me an idea of what I should be striving for. Again, don't be easy on me - tell me if there are some obvious problems I need to work on. To the best of my knowledge, out of 8 points a 4 is a passing grade. Last time I took the test, I got a 3 and most likely the essay I originally posted on here was around a 3. Just let me know if the few changes I made would probably bump it up to a 4. Thanks so much everyone for your help!

Some people say that the United States government is so corrupt that voters in national elections are wasting their time. However, our government is founded on the saying, “we the people of the United States.” It is our duty to vote. By not voting, we give up our freedom of speech, provide the United States government with additional power, and go against the founding principle of government by the people.

Freedom of speech is one of the greatest blessings we have in this country. We can voice our opinions in numerous ways, including popular methods such as forming interest groups or leading protests. However, our most important right - and one that is not provided to many people throughout the world - is the right to elect who leads our country. Not only do we get to vote, but we can have confidence that our vote is counted. As a result, those who are running for office must be attentive to the wants and needs of our nation. A protest can be ignored, but the threat of not being elected because of stances on issues is what keeps our elected officials in line.

Furthermore, by not voting, we take power away from the many - the constituent - and place it in the hands of the few - the governing officials. It is said that "power corrupts, but absolute power corrupts absolutely.” The meaning of this statement is simple, and was key to the Founding Fathers' reason for developing a representative democracy. The fewer the people that have a say in forming government policies, the more corrupt government becomes. This is because there are no checks on the power of the governing officials. They focus solely on what can provide them with personal gain, rather than what is best for the nation as a whole.

We as citizens of the United States cannot fall into the trap of believing that our government is too corrupt for our vote to make a difference. Apathy towards voting can only make matters worse. It is our duty and right to voice our opinion on public policy by taking part in national elections. If we do not, we lose our control over the actions of government and give it even more power to make corrupt decisions.

[studyhard]

Would it be safe to say that having a clearly defined thesis, 3 organized paragraphs (or possibly 2 since I often can't finish 3 in 45 minutes) with no grammatical/spelling errors, and a brief conclusion would give me a passing grade, even if my content isn't especially good (assuming I stay on topic of course)?

I'd say yes. I took English Comp, not Freshman Comp, but the stuff I read beforehand stressed that they are looking more for an essay that hangs together well than one that is especially deep. The unity and coherency of the content is more important than how brilliant it is. In fact, I know I mentioned that you should think about how factual your comments are, but now that I think about it, I actually don't think they attach as much weight to the factualness of the comment as to its position in the logical flow. So don't stress too much over that. Yes, try to be factual, but even more than that, try to be logical and consistent.

Something else that may help you....I find when I'm stymied on something I'm writing, I pretend that I'm talking to a person. I don't worry about grammar or anything like that, I just think, "Okay, a person is sitting right here that wants to learn about this subject. What are some things I would say?" Then write that down on paper and THEN edit it. For whatever reason, that really helps free me from mental writer's block. If you try to think of the perfect way to word an idea before you've clearly thought out the idea itself, you'll probably implode. (At least, I do. ) If you can think of three things to say to a person, you can use those three things as your three points. Talk it out to yourself and imagine what you would say in a normal conversation.

And yeah, practice, practice, practice. I write articles all the time but I don't do well with a 45-minute deadline either. What I tried to do was apportion a certain amount of time per section. Say, 5 minutes for each paragraph and 20 minutes to go back and review. Always leave enough time for one final read-through--on my essay, I caught a place where I had started to change a sentence and then got sidetracked, so it didn't make any sense.

When I get a minute I'll try to come back and read your essay through again.

Keep up the good work!

[studyhard]

WOW!!!! Much better!!!!!!! Great job!!!!

Just a couple comments....

Some people say that the United States government is so corrupt that voters in national elections are wasting their time. However, our government is founded on the saying, “we the people of the United States.” It is our duty to vote. By not voting, we give up our freedom of speech, provide the United States government with additional power, and go against the founding principle of government by the people.

Freedom of speech is one of the greatest blessings we have in this country.

I'm still struggling here just a little bit with the logic. By not voting, we are not actually giving up our freedom of speech. The government isn't closing us down or censoring us. We are simply choosing not to exercise the right. So it might be stronger to say, "By not voting, we fail to use the privilege of freedom of speech."

We can voice our opinions in numerous ways, including popular methods such as forming interest groups or leading protests. However, our most important right - and one that is not provided to many people throughout the world - is the right to elect who leads our country. Not only do we get to vote, but we can have confidence that our vote is counted. As a result, those who are running for office must be attentive to the wants and needs of our nation. A protest can be ignored, but the threat of not being elected because of stances on issues is what keeps our elected officials in line.

Furthermore, by not voting, we take power away from the many - the constituent -

That should be plural---the constituentS.

and place it in the hands of the few - the governing officials. It is said that "power corrupts, but absolute power corrupts absolutely.” The meaning of this statement is simple, and was key to the Founding Fathers' reason for developing a representative democracy. The fewer the people that have a say in forming government policies, the more corrupt government becomes. This is because there are no checks on the power of the governing officials. They focus solely on what can provide them with personal gain, rather than what is best for the nation as a whole.

We as citizens of the United States cannot fall into the trap of believing that our government is too corrupt for our vote to make a difference. Apathy towards voting can only make matters worse. It is our duty and right to voice our opinion on public policy by taking part in national elections. If we do not, we lose our control over the actions of government and give it even more power to make corrupt decisions.

GREAT! I'd give you a high score if I was grading that essay.

Now, let's see you write another one!!! hilarious hilarious

[gufomel]

Thanks so much again. I'm taking the multiple choice part tomorrow and I'll try to write another when I'm done and post it. If you're able to look over it that would be awesome.

[cookderosa]

Wow guys, I was not expecting anything nearly in-depth as that. Thanks so much!

See, my main problem is that I am just not a speed writer one bit. I'm the kind of person that writes 10 rough drafts on 10 separate days before I turn in a paper. I really have difficulty brain storming my ideas, making an outline, writing the draft, and editing, all in 45 minutes. Any tips on what could help me do better on this, besides of course a lot of practicing? I noticed one of you said structure is very important. Would it be safe to say that having a clearly defined thesis, 3 organized paragraphs (or possibly 2 since I often can't finish 3 in 45 minutes) with no grammatical/spelling errors, and a brief conclusion would give me a passing grade, even if my content isn't especially good (assuming I stay on topic of course)?

>>

While I am not a grader- I would go out on a limb and tell you THAT was my entire strategy when I took the test, as well as what I think when I help my community college students study. I think (my opinion) that the purpose of a composition course (and this test) is learning how to write a functional essay; period. I also think that if you can pull off 5 weaker paragraphs instead of 4 stronger ones that you'll still be sitting better. That's just my gut- and I say that based again on the functional aspect of composition. The 5 paragraph essay is a golden standard- shoot for it. If they see that you have attempted 5 paragraphs, it automatically starts them thinking "ok, this guy knows what to do...." where having 4 might be a little confusing. Your grader TEACHES ENGLISH COMP to a bunch of undergrads all day long- believe me, he probably LOVES 5 paragraph essays! LOL

I wanted to strongly second the poster who suggested you write your opening sentence as if the reader doesn't know the prompt- that's solid advice.

Another strategy I take (totally personal preference) is to opening with the less than expected position. For example, if 99% of the people would take the obvious position, I might argue the opposite side.