Heard Any Good Ones Lately?

[ShotoJuku]

[SIZE="3"]

[COLOR="Navy"]A newly graduated Ph.D in Psychology had plans to open his own practice yet was still very light of funds having just graduated and was still paying for his education so he hired a neighborhood kid to paint him a sign advertising that he was a Psychotherapist.

He told a kid to paint the sign for him and placed it above the entrance to the office. Now all the newly minted Psychotherapist needed to do was sit back and wait for potential patients. After a few weeks however not one ever showed up and the Psychotherapist was perplexed. He then went outside to examine the kids handy work at painting him a sign.

After taking one look at the sign the mystery was solved. It seems that the kid had used a very small wooden board forcing him to split the word "Psychotherapist" into into 3 words that read:[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[SIZE="2"]Scroll Down...[/SIZE]

[SIZE="6"][COLOR="Red"]Psycho
the
rapist[/COLOR][/SIZE]

[beckycan]

hilarious

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:


Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys deducted $95.00 in taxes.

[annegirl]

Three blonds walked into a building..........you think they would have seen it!


hilarious kinda lame I know!

[studyhard]

This is a political joke....no offense to anyone on the other side....it's very adaptable to either side, just pick a candidate.



It's 2008. Hillary is President. Her first night in the White House, George Washington appears to her in the middle of the night. Hillary says, "What advice would you give me as president?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

"Hmmm," says Hillary, "that sounds tough. I'll have to think about it."

The second night Thomas Jefferson appears. Hillary asks him, "What advice would you give me as president?"

Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."

"Hmmm," says Hillary. "I'll have to think about that one."

The third night Abraham Lincoln appears. Hillary says, "What advice would you give me as president?"

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater!!!!!"

hilarious hilarious hilarious

[jec959]

No offense meant to any blondes
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then
he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the
ceiling and made funny noises. My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what
I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so
that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few
minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you
doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a
couple of days. " I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my
coworker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, "And where do
you think you're going?"
(You're gonna love this.... )


She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

[DixieGirl]

This is an email that was sent to our family a while back. We thought it was hilarious and true!

THINGS YOU LEARN WHEN LIVING IN THE SOUTH:

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in the South.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in The South plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

Onced and twiced are words.

It's not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

Fixinto is one word.

There is no such thing as "lunch." You eat Breakfast, Dinner and Supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. And we do like a little tea with our sugar!

Backwards and forwards means "I know everything about you."

"Jeet yet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat yet?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

YOU KNOW YOUR FROM THE SOUTH IF:

You measure distance in minutes.

You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

You use "fix" as a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the store."

All the festivals across the states are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. No one wants an angry burglar.

You know what a "DAWG" is.

You carry jumper cables in your car . . for your OWN car.

You only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."

You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as"goin' Wal-martin" or off to "Wally World."

You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good pinto-bean weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop... it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinda coke you want?"

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no stinking driver's-ed... if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.


Not EVERYONE can be SOUTHERN, it's an art form and a gift from God!



***AMERICAN BY BIRTH -

SOUTHERN BY THE GRACE OF GOD***

[Southron Boy]

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.


Not EVERYONE can be SOUTHERN, it's an art form and a gift from God!



***AMERICAN BY BIRTH -

SOUTHERN BY THE GRACE OF GOD***

Our sole local weekly doesn't even touch national news, and only toys with statewide news. However, the "Social Scene" section about "who ate supper with who" is extremely important. Most everyone is related in town and nearly everbody knows everybody so this kind of info is vital.

Its great living in a small rural community where you can leave your keys in the ignition at the bank and carry a 12 gauge in the front seat. And where you can still eat ice cream at a operating soda fountain in the local Pharmacy.

Things are changing. Some places more than others. GOD BLESS DIXIE!!! WWWWHHHHHOOOPPPPIIIIIIIGGGGGSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOWWWWEEEE!!!!

[Drummerboy]

I'll run with the blonde thing, no offense to anyone; some of my best friends are blonde. . . .

Okay, there were three guys: a black haired man, a brown haired man, and a blonde haired man. They decided they would rob a bank. So, off they went. They arrived at the bank, stormed in, and waved their pistols at the clerk. "Give us your money," they said. And she did.

So out they went, each with a bag of money. The clerk called the police and quickly their cars came squealing down the road with lights flashing and sirens blarring. The three robbers ran through the woods. They found an old abandoned barn where they could hide. They each found an old burlap sack and hopped in. The police were close behind and broke down the door. They searched the barn and found the three sacks. . . .

A police kicked the sack with the black-haired man. "Woof, woof!" the black-haired man said. "Hey, there's a dog in this one!" said the police. He kicked the second bag with the brown-haired man. "Meow," said the brown-haired man. "Hey," the police called, "there's a cat in this one." So, he kicked the third bag with the blonde-haired man and he said . . . "Potatoes!"