Important Opinion

[ShotoJuku]

...She thinks she can control anything I do, including who I marry...

[COLOR="#000080"]Don't look now, and I'm not being a smart ass (but can be), but she is.

That being said, and as a parent of three adult children, perhaps she acting out on something that she sees and you do not; what are her exact objections?[/COLOR]

[STG]

Protecting money is part of the reason...
She never liked him anyway so she always puts him down so this is just another excuse for her to cancel everything.

[bricabrac]

Why would he not sign? If he truly loves you and not what will be inherited then there is no problem.

I think the Mom is the one thinking clearly; whether she likes him or not is indifferent in this respect. A prenup protects you and your family in divorce proceedings. There is no reason why someone should have a stake in what I owned prior to marriage or what I will inherit. Depending on what state you live or how nasty someone can become during a divorce, you have no idea what not having an agreement can (and does) leave open for the taking later. I would not want a new wife wearing my grandmothers' jewelry.

Another choice your Mom could take to protect her and others is to immediately change her will and cut you off. That wouldn't be nice but I would do it in a heartbeat. This has happened in my family and thank god. You sometimes think people love you but they actually love your lifestyle. It is the way of the world.

[Lindagerr]

First if you wanted the pre-nup to protect money you were bringing in to the marriage I would ask what is his problem with sighing?

Yes love is wonderful and you should never think it is easy or make it easy to get a divorce, BUT not everyone is going to stay the way they are when they marry. Some men hit middle age or just get board with marriage or just think they deserve more and they cheat, sometimes they endanger your life when they do this. Some men just think once you are married you are supposed to serve them and do all the housework and they will berate and physically or verbally abuse you if you don't "Tow the line"

Sometimes it is the women who causes the problems, maybe she starts to drink, maybe she doesn't want children after she promised she would, maybe she just needs to prove to herself and others that she is still beautiful and desirable. Again this can threaten your health.

In any of the above cases divorce may be necessary and it may be nasty. If one partner brought more in to the marriage then the other they could get screwed in the divorce so a Pre-nup would make sense.


On the other hand, if you don't care about the pre-nup or the money then don't let your mother manipulate you with this. I know how that kind of manipulation can cause long term problems and eat away at a marriage. Yes you might like the money and you may not be able to have the wedding of your dreams without it, but you need to decide what is more important to you the money or your relationship with your future husband. My mother-in-law was always well of and controlling, but when my father-in-law was alive he helped keep her in check. Now I have had my MIL tell us what we can and cannot do with our children how we do everything and pass judgement on everything we do. I wish I could get her out of our life, yes she has a good deal of money, but it is not worth having her try to control our life. I have told her I don't care if she writes us out of the will then she can't use money to try to control us any longer. Some people say just wait her out she can't live forever... My MIL is 86 and my friend who has the same problems has a MIL who is 93. We are in our 50's at this stage in your life do you still want to let your mother dictate your life??

You do not have to agree with any of what I have said, just think about it.

[mrs.b]

If the love you two share is the "forever" sort of thing, a signature on a pre-nup is not going to mean anything, since you'll be together until the end of time. Given the divorce rate in this country, your mom is simply trying to give you an insurance policy "in case." She may not like your fiance, she may be controlling, but she is doing what she is doing out of her love for you, because she does not want to someday see you get hurt. If you refuse to push the pre-nup on your fiance, your mother may be angry, she may not even come to your wedding, she may even write you out of her will, but she is your mom. She will eventually get over it, because controlling or not, she loves you. Just like someday, she may be proven right that love is not always forever no matter how much we wish it to be, and she'll probably be there to support you, whether or not he's signed that piece of paper. That's what moms do. We guide our kids where they *should* go, and sometimes we try to drag them kicking and screaming...but even if hard-earned wisdom is not heeded, we'll tend their wounds when it is needed.

Conversely, dcan is 100% right. This is your life. This relationship is between you and your fiance, and your mother has no invested right to interfere with the agreements between the two of you. She does certainly have every right to withhold her money if her terms are not met, but you two can still get married with or without her blessing. People do it every day. Las Vegas has a chapel on nearly every corner because of the thriving market. Whatever you do with the pre-nup, you do need to have a conversation with her and set some boundaries, because in-laws can be a huge contributor to the demise of otherwise good relationships, and that is not how the two of you want to start your lives together.

I hope the document is never needed. If it is honestly true love, it will do nothing but collect dust. My advice, like others, is to ask yourself why your fiance is so resistant to the request, and sit down with your mother to define boundaries.

[STG]

His main reason for not wanting to sign is because my mom already controlled him to do something by threatening not to come to my engagement. He's scared that if he listens to her now, because of her threat to cancel the wedding, she'll always try to control him by threatening him. When I told this to my mom, she said she will not interfere with our business but she already is...she's trying to make our decision to where we should live.
My mom spoke to him on the phone and tried explaining about her money (it isn't something passed down to her) but since she wasn't talking too nicely he told her he doesn't care about her money and it just ended with a bigger argument...

[alleycat]

STG you can get married without the big wedding. Your mother cannot cancel your plans with this person. She can cancel paying for a wedding.
Only you can cancel the plans with this person. You are an adult now.
If you love him and really want to be with him you can always elope, if you cannot afford to pay for the wedding yourself.

[ShotoJuku]

Do you really want to get married or are you looking for a way out?


Search your feelings - you know it to be true!

[mrs.b]

You should be having the conversations with your mother, not your fiance. If she is being that controlling, you (not him) need to put your foot down on those boundaries. Allowing her a direct line of access to complain and argue with him will do nothing but compound tension. It is not fair to him; he's marrying you, not her and he will more than likely eventually grow frustrated with you that you are not supporting him. Pardon the lack of sugar coating (no offense meant, but this is from personal experience), if you want to put an end to it and have room to make your own decisions after the wedding, you'll need to tug the BGP (big girl pants) up and tell her "stop now," leaving no room for negotiation. You need to decide if you want to live your own life, or if you want to continue being treated like a child unable to make your own decisions.

Refusing to allow her to interfere with your plans to marry him is a major message that she's crossed a line. If you do not want the pre-nup, tell her you are not going to sign it - take the pressure off of him. If she's making threats that are interfering with your fiance and your happy day, make alternative plans and let her know that you will follow through with them (a marriage through a Justice of the Peace is just as binding) if she does not back off. Only one of you will win a Battle of Wills, and this sort of thing is what will set the tone for the rest of your relationship. Decide if your fiance is worth it, and if he is, do not give ground. And if you ultimately decide your relationship with your mother is more important, have mercy on the guy and do the right thing, because it will only get worse if lines are not drawn. Part of marriage is the understanding that the other person is the most important person in your life. You can love your mom - you should, she's your mom - but the person you marry is the one you choose to be with. Allowing someone to cause them frustration and tension is not the start of a strong marriage.

[STG]

I'm back and with a new last name
I am now married for a week and a day... Now I gotta worry about how to make up all my schoolwork since I took off for a week. I have 4 exams to make up, luckily my college let me take off
for those wondering, no we did not sign a prenup and thank God everything worked out well between my parents and husband :hurray: