opinion on military school for ADHD teen

[CatsDomino]

I've refrained from posting in this thread because I've been trying to figure out how to phrase this nicely. But I'm not sure there is a way to say this that won't sound unkind to someone. I seem to remember saying that your sons refused therapy after the death of your wife. But you need therapy. Both you and your sons. Not just for grief counseling, but also to deal with neurodivergence. Your son has an IEP, but it's unclear how much daily help/advice he gets beyond that. It sounds like not much.

Have you been diagnosed? Are you pushing this son because you see yourself in him and he just needs to "shape up" "like you did"? Please don't.

He currently attends a STEM High School and is looking at either a vocational career in the Welding, Air Mechanic, or Manufacturing Technology program during the 11th and 12th grade years. 

Welding is a good career. If he likes it, and is good at it, he can make far, FAR more money than the average office-worker. Especially if he is able to specialize in something critically under-represented like underwater welding. Some of those people can make a good 6-figures or more. I'm not sure about air mechanics, but I think they also get paid fairly well. Perhaps not as well as welders, but still decent money. Maybe they make more than welders? I think manufacturing technology depends. But the people who do the repairs definitely make more money than the people who use the parts to make things. Potentially another good 6-figure income.

I also am wondering if a military school during his Junior/Senior year of High School would not be a bad option for him? I would not be sending him here because of the traditional stereotypes people have for military school (i.e. juvenile delinquent, out of control teen), but, it would rather be to help him develop to his full potential in a structured, disciplined, fairly distraction free from electronics, environment

Not all neurodivergent people are good with such rigid structure. It's a stereotype that all so-called "Aspies" need a strict schedule. Some people with Autism need set expectations, but a looser schedule. Others do need every hour of every day pre-scheduled. 

that would push him beyond his limits mentally, physically, and educationally.

For someone with Autism, this can be a very bad thing. You don't have an out-of-control teen right now, but you could get one back if you send him away to military school.

He has also talked about potentially going into the military (i.e. welding in the Navy). So, I wanted to get opinions from former military vets on this type of learning environment for my son?

Bootcamp sounds like hell for someone with Autism. You can't get away from triggers and stimuli. If he has a meltdown, he could wind up with a very tainted military record. Not having meltdowns now doesn't guarantee no meltdowns in the future. 

Meltdowns happen due to stress. Military (school) is a high-stress environment where you often don't get to control your own actions. If the Sargent wants you to clean the bathroom floor again, even though you just finished cleaning it for the 5th time today 10 minutes ago and you could literally eat off the toilet seats... too bad. You have to do it. But being forced to (re)do things for seemingly no good reason can be extremely stressful for someone with Autism. 

I want to push him, but, I don't want to set him up to fail.

Don't send him to military school.

However, I wonder if sending him to a military school that doesn't accommodate students that learn different is a bad or a good idea?

Bad. Very bad.

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Please note that I am not saying that having Autism is "wrong" or that people who have Autism are "less than". But not everyone can be a basketball player. Not everyone can be a ballet dancer. Some people adore doing math and some people can barely handle addition due either to poor schooling or to dyscalculia. Nobody is "bad" simply because they are different. And being supportive means recognizing someone's strengths and weakness, supporting them where they are strong, then gently trying to redirect them when they are doing something that could be unhealthy for them.

For a variety of reasons, the military is the completely wrong choice for many people who are neurotypical, let alone someone who is not neurotypical.

Your son wants to be a welder? Support him in his interests so that he is able to thrive. There are a lot of videos on YT about getting started welding. Here's one about how to practice TIG welding techniques without access to any TIG welding equipment: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DuIoihbLPDw I'm sure there are others. Let him try practicing and see if this is something he wants to do or if air mechanic or manufacturing technology would be a better fit for his interests/skills. 

FWIW, here's a site with employers that are committed to hiring neurodivergent employees, even if that means non-standard hiring practices: Neurodiversity Career Connector (simplifyhire.com) 

There is an article about it here: Unique job site can help neurodivergent people find meaningful work — while being themselves - Stories (microsoft.com)

Being neurodivergent no longer has to mean conforming 100% to what neurotypical people do, especially when conforming can be harmful and unhealthy.

I'm not the least offended by your post.  You were honest and really hit the nail on the head with everything you said.  My son is ASD and is the "must schedule everything and stick to it" type or his world doesn't make sense at all.  He's always (and I mean ALWAYS) on time and hyper focused on his homework and interests.  This is his how he copes in a world that is not geared towards people like him.  He's making it work with therapy and meds, but military school would have been detrimental to him growing up and derailed any of his progress.  I agree that the OP is trying to impose his very narrow and rigid worldview on his son when he should probably just back off and let his son know he's there for him.