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Does anyone want to attempt to grade my timed College Comp. Essay? - TTTTT - 05-21-2015
I feel like this would be a common enough question that there'd be a thread for it but I couldn't find one. Anyways, here it is if anyone's interested. Looking back on it, it definitely has mistakes, but I haven't edited them. (I found the promp on the SAT website fyi)
THE PROMP
Many people believe that loyaltyâwhether to an individual, an organization, or a nationâmeans unconditional and unquestioning support no matter what. To these people, the withdrawal of support is by definition a betrayal of loyalty. But doesnât true loyalty sometimes require us to be critical of those we are loyal to? If we see that they are doing something that we believe is wrong, doesnât true loyalty require us to speak up, even if we must be critical?
Assignment: Does true loyalty require unconditional support? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.
ESSAY
True loyalty, in my opinion, does not require unconditional support, but instead, involves healthy criticism and skepticism. All political and social movements came about from a love of one's country, society, etc. but also from an unwavering criticism and questioning of commonly accepted ideologies. Even on a smaller scale, involving friends and family, one needs to be loyal and supportive at times, but also know when to withdraw that support. If true loyalty were unquestioning support, people would never criticize or question one another and it would be detrimental to the evolution of everyone's character.
All successful political, social, and religious movements began with criticism, skepticism, and an unhindered devotion towards a cause. The Civil Rights Movement in America began from criticizing an ideology and fighting for what they believed in. The Civil Rights Movement never would have happened if black people didn't question the widely accepted belief that their race was inferior. Segregation, slavery, and racism would all still be a socially accepted belief system. The movement was founded by a love and loyalty for the USA.
Even on a smaller scale, involving friends and family, unconditional support is not a prerequisite for loyalty. I consider myself a very loyal person to my friends and would never lie, cheat, or intentionally hurt them in anyway. However, if they decided to do something that I considered stupid, like drink and drive, I would not support them in any way. I would take away their keys or do whatever I could to prevent them from driving. Out of loyalty and love for them, I would prevent them from doing harm to themselves or others.
Humans have always had to criticize, question, and fight for what they strongly believed in. It's how we have developed as a species and as individuals throughout our lives. We believe in a cause and fight for a cause because we're drawn to through love and loyalty. On a large scale, we have gained independence from England, won rights for minorities, and are now starting to win rights for LGBTQ people. On a small scale, we have helped those close to us enter rehab, not make stupid decisions, or prevented them from making terrible decisions, all because of our loyalty, love, and criticism.
Does anyone want to attempt to grade my timed College Comp. Essay? - cookderosa - 05-21-2015
It's brave to put your writing out there! Good for you. Since you asked, I'll give you my opinion.
They're looking for the standard 5 paragraph essay. You should add a closing paragraph, but beyond that let me tell you I think you executed nearly perfectly. You did a great job of introducing your 3 points in your opening paragraph and consistently developing each in its individual paragraph. That, imo, is probably getting you 50% of the way where you need to be. Great intro as well.
Intro para: thesis statement- your sweeping explanation of what you'll discuss. Sentence 2 can match paragraph 2. Sentence 3 can match paragraph 3. Sentence 4 can match paragraph 4. Sentence 5 supports the thesis. Check, check, check, check, and check. - very good.
Para 2: matches intro sentence 2- very good. Sentences 3-5 explains. - very good
Para 3: same structure as para 2- very good.
Para 4: same structure as para 2- very good.
Para 5: (add this in) Restate and recap. Be sure to bring back in all 3 points and your final sentence should mirror your thesis.
This format is what they're looking for, and within that a good ability to articulate. I don't think the content will be nearly as important as your ability to do the assignment.
I'll throw you a new topic (I don't think your topic will be NEARLY as elaborate as the one you pulled from the SAT)- time yourself for 30 minutes. "It's better to give than to receive" GO!
P.S. I wanted to add that of focusing on trivial details of a comma or occasional spelling are not where this costs points- it's format format format. Of course when you're in the exam try your best to spell and use grammar to the best of your ability, but I thought you did fine on all of that.
Does anyone want to attempt to grade my timed College Comp. Essay? - TTTTT - 05-21-2015
Awesome. Thank you.
I wanted Paragraph 4 to be me rebutting anyone who says that true loyalty doesn't require unconditional support, but I was short on time and wasn't sure if that was suitable or not. So I just skipped it. I really couldn't think of anything else to say for that paragraph - and I was actually hoping the essay topic would be more elaborate than the one from the SAT, so I could have more to talk about.
Does anyone want to attempt to grade my timed College Comp. Essay? - cookderosa - 05-22-2015
TTTTT Wrote:Awesome. Thank you.
I wanted Paragraph 4 to be me rebutting anyone who says that true loyalty doesn't require unconditional support, but I was short on time and wasn't sure if that was suitable or not. So I just skipped it. I really couldn't think of anything else to say for that paragraph - and I was actually hoping the essay topic would be more elaborate than the one from the SAT, so I could have more to talk about.
Practice this in a flash card style- in other words, if I give you a topic, allow yourself 5 minutes or less to zero in on 3 "reason" for a topic. If you do this enough, you'll start to get the hang of it. The reasons don't matter, your ability to articulate your position and follow format is where it's at. Here are some for practice:
Quickly- think of 3 reasons/arguments on either side of these issues. Time yourself 5 minutes. If you think I'm crazy, I'll play too, but trust me that you can do this.
Chocolate or vanilla?
A cell phone a need or a want?
Drinking age be raised to 25?
Poverty is the cause of crime.
Education is the key to success.
Does anyone want to attempt to grade my timed College Comp. Essay? - LaterBloomer - 05-22-2015
As always, Cookderosa, you're the gift that keeps on giving. Those are great hints. I'm thinking of what I'll do after my degree, and one idea was to take the GRE 'cause my GPA isn't something you'd want to take home to momma. I looked at a site about the GRE, and swallowed hard when I saw the writing part. If I take the GRE, I'll prepare with your timed reason/arguments exercise.